~ dawn's Broken Pictures ~

Reflections from 2011

2011-12-31T13:29:00.000-08:00

As I get ready for 2012 I reflect back on the events of last year. I FINALLY graduated from college with my two year degree. I have been frustrated and down while also encouraged and exhilarated throughout the past couple of years and it was awesome as I proudly graduated alongside several of my closest life-long friends. Only one of us walked down the aisle but still as I look up at my diploma on the wall, in its meager frame from the dollar store and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment after years of struggle to take classes while working, nursing babies and changing diapers and then struggling through a divorce and separation anxiety, returning for more heartbreak then finally the death of several of my closest friends within a three year stint between 2006-2008. There in the audience of my mind, I see those who encouraged me and stood by me, admired my plight and supported me. I saw no need to personally participate in the graduation ceremony, where I would have no one to look on, cheer my name, or take my picture while I accept my diploma. In my dreams though, we are all there. The food was great and hugs were many. Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever.

The year was an eventful one on the travel front. I can note here my astonishment to my increase of maturity after the events of this year. It’s almost painful in a sense, but a fulfilling pain that makes a person feel as if they have just awoke from a twelve year nap and wondering what has happened? Where did everyone go? The “Talking Heads” song comes to mind. “How did I get here?”

The first trip of the year was the “big apple”. I often suffer from what is known as social anxiety disorder. This means if there is any opportunity for a legitimate excuse to withdraw from attendance to an invitation, I will take it. Given that, I had not really been anywhere in about seven months so I was pretty excited about the potential of being in the big city. The first opportunity that presented itself would have taken us from the airport, to the hotel, to Wavy Gravy’s 75^th birthday event. The possibility of missing the NINE AM wedding we had flown in for was too great (in my significant other’s eyes) so we cancelled out of these plans. So began a four day weekend of every single item on my travel list being cancelled out due to various factors. The second day, we had expected to fill our entire day with the wedding event and therefore it had went, pretty much as planned. I could have ditched them all, and went to Phish, but respectfully declined. Sunday, however took a different turn. I had planned to spend family time in the day and then give the grandparents the baby and finally have some adult time in NYC. I made some plans with a friend from high school, who happens to be a chef and wanted to take us to Coney Island (on the list) and then prepare us a gourmet meal. It was about 3:30 pm, I had watched everyone eat hotdogs, and saw but been unable to stop at several places I wanted to go, starving and imbalanced, I managed a fight in the street with a sixty-something old man. Embarrassed, I shut up and realized that I was done, just along for the ride. I scratched off the rest of my travel list. Then, as expected hunger triggered migraine ensued, we walked the Brooklyn Bridge, and I still cannot believe I made it without throwing up. Finally, at the base of the bridge, as if sent by my own protective angel, a cart selling fresh ripe mangos on a stick! Ready to eat J I tried not to be exuberant but man that was the best mango I will probably ever have. The remainder of the day’s journey, including a walk, a subway ride and somehow making it back to our hotel, is a near blur to me, once at the hotel I ate a day old bagel from leftover continental breakfast and slept the rest of my trip. Final thought, the biggest lesson I learned was that after years of traveling alone on the greyhound bus or in my truck, shedding an occasional tear for the family who was not there, regretful of not taking any pictures, and believing that I was “missing” something without a family, I learned that I gained much, much more. I truly enjoy the places I visit, I touch the earth, I breath the energy – my journeys have been guided by instinct, and filled me up much more than any package tours or canned family events.

Our next journey was going home, again I had a certain level of expectation. We drove to Illinois in a Scion. We had agreed to share driving, and go straight through. He decided to drive straight through until he couldn't see, and then we stopped in Tennessee for a hotel. It turned out to be Smokehouse - like the original hippie cologne "Smokehouse Liquidsmoke". It was a super nice place, and very nice price. So he drove the rest of the way until we actually reached Illinois. Upon arrival we were at his family reunion and it was totally off the wall. The had rented a floor and the hospitality suite at the Hampton and I really enjoyed it. It was the first time I had personally experienced this service at a hotel and will definitely consider it for my own parties in the future. Part of the reason we were expected to go to Illinois, or so I was led to believe, was that my son was to meet his 96 year old great-grandmother who was bound to a nursing home. In reality, we were forbidden to even visit her. It was quite odd and I may never understand. It definitely hurt my feelings and given my natural ability to comfort and sooth and empathize with people I wanted to see how she was being treated in the home. I wanted to verify with my own eyes that she was happier there. My son did not go either, neither did his father. WTF>? Next we tried to bond with my family.

My family was distant, no one answered my calls, nor did they really seem interested in "connecting". So, first we attempted my uncle & his family. It turned out to be a very emotional dinner, in a public place. My uncle's wife did all the talking. She scraped the scabs from several healed emotional wounds. These people are still apologising for actions from 1992 - come on guys, it's 2011! The next day we drove upstate, camped out with no contactable signal. He was sick, so it was all me and the kids. We roasted hotdogs and GIANT size marshmallows. My youngest, who had just turned three, stood up after the last marshmallow and clearly stated, "Okay, let's pack it up. It's time to go to the hotel." We all camped together, it actually got chilly - compared to Florida. The next morning we had planned to get up and hike until lunch. He was still a little sick to we managed to take the wooden paths to the peak, look off Starved Rock and then see one waterfall before we had to go. He drove us to town and we checked into a hotel. Later that evening we had dinner with my half sister's family. It was the most welcome and comfortable I had felt in the entire week's adventure. Truly saving the best for last.

The next morning we opted for a little site seeing and a trip to the cemetary for me to visit the only family I have ever known. I even got pricing on a piggy back gravesite or one of my own adjacent to my grandparents. I decided, I'm buying it as soon as money allows. I deserve a permanent memorial. I also learned that you don't have to be dead to occupy your site. You can put up your headstone, etc. anytime! Who knew? We wandered my old neighborhood, where I spent 13 years living in the same house, I visited my old grade school and bought an ice cream cone at my favorite stand. Then we set back out on the highway. Along the way we visited an apple orchard with the largest native american statue, and Metropolis, the home of Superman. Lunch at Garcia's Pizza in the pan and then on to our prebooked hotel at Lookout Mountain, TN. We barely slept, then ventured out to "See Rock City" and Ruby Falls. We again hit the road and made it nearly to Atlanta, with him driving of course, when we literally hit part of the road. Some damage to the car, so we stopped again for the night. The following day was a brutal ride home, I was so happy to finally arrive.

The lessons learned from this journey? I need some more private, personal vacations. I need more one on one time with each of my kids.
To be continued...

High School Reunion - just like in high school

2011-10-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

This weekend I attended my high school reunion. Which in itself is pretty amusing because I barely attended high school? It was only the twenty year; it felt like the hundred year. First, a little about high school. I am not what you call a traditional student. The first year of high school I didn't do well making friends, performed poorly and dropped out after Spring Break. I had started hanging out with a bunch of people who graduated or were already drop outs. The second year, I only made it through to Halloween. Until the truant officer contacted my mom and informed us all that I would be returning or face extensive fines. I went to school and did pretty well. I made deals with teachers to make passing grades. I discovered it was fun to learn. The next year would have been my junior year, but I was still listed as a freshman. I honestly cannot remember much from school. My schedule, my teachers, all of it is mostly a mystery to me. I know I was drinking ALOT. It was the first year away from home; I had a job, stayed with various friends on different days. I used school to meet my needs. I didn't drive. I worked it out with the Dean and the Guidance Counselor's help to use the school bus transportation system to go where I needed to and pick me up at any stop to come to school. I arranged free lunch through the system. I went to school until February that school year. The last year, everyone's fun year was my serious year. I entered a program for Drop Out Prevention. I sat in a single classroom all day long and took double the classes. At the midpoint, I was reviewed and it was decided that I would be able to graduate class of '92. That was not my goal. I wanted to graduate with my class. I decided to go before the school board, and at seventeen, request to take the GED early. My birthday is during the summer. I was not going to be graduating in May unless I could take the GED on the next available date. So, while my fellow classmates were going on Senior Cruise, Grad Night at Disney World, etc. I was making up for 4 years of education that I had missed. I passed the GED test and graduated, and then ironically, I did not even go to graduation. The pictures, the memories, the skits, the senior events - none of them included me.

When I went to the ten year, it was at Marsh Creek Country Club. I went with my high school BFF who I no longer speak to and sat with her husband and another girl. We all talked and shared the same memories, although we had none of each other. It was an odd feeling the entire night, we didn't stay late and just like in high school it wasn't noticed when we ducked out.

So there I was, getting ready for the Twenty ... I spent three days getting ready. It's true, this is far too much effort, but I really wanted to look nice and most of all approachable. I have been told over the years that the reason I didn't feel well like or "popular" was because I had made myself unapproachable. My boyfriend and I went, we ate and we listened. Again, I felt myself in a sea of strangers. Obviously more approachable, this time I finally achieved recognition. I was the first one to pay for the opportunity of attendance to this year's wonderful event. How embarrassing considering all things. We watched the slide show, and I was painfully reminded that I wasn’t in the pictures. There was not one time I had felt welcome or secure enough to be involved with any of these events. Yet here I was compelled to be here at the display of our lives. After it was over, we broke for socializing and just like in high school, I left early.

Okay, it's been two weeks

2011-06-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

It was a sudden decision, I saw a message on Facebook which said, "Everytime you write something valuable will occur". On that whim, I started checking it out, reading blogs, visiting all the many varieties of blog. People talking about their dogs, their kids, their crappy jobs or lack there of. The political experts and the trend fiends. I thought, jeesh ... I can write better than this. That was two weeks ago. I have had writers block ever since. I think of twenty things, rants mostly, while I am away from my desk. My friend suggested a digital recorder. Then he reminded me that my "smart phone" had one built in. I haven't recorded anything but I no longer have writer's block. Check back soon!

Follow me!

2011-06-14T11:51:00.001-07:00

Come follow me, to a mysterious land, a place you will see, come, follow me.

(1212 ~ Danse Macabre)